Drinking water makes it throb and doesn't help. Eating food makes me perkier, but doesn't make the pain go away. Being in a hot bath made it throb horribly (I ended up getting out for a while until the water had cooled down at bit and my skin didn't look so boiled) - I should possibly have expected that one, but eh. Walking makes it throb. Sitting still for any length of time still leaves it aching.

It's like a thick line of pain from the middle of my hairline, down diagonally to the middle of my left eyebrow, and then down behind the eye. At various points during the day the vision in that eye... well, it hasn't gone dark, exactly, but I have lost the 3D effect and had that side look fairly dim. I've got some 'pain lumps' in various other bits of my head, but that's the main one.
My belly is eased by warm things, but my guts complain if I consume warm sweet things. My legs complain if they're still for too long and if I descend the stairs (I took a small shuffly painful walk around the cul-de-sac earlier). My guts complain if I take painkillers (or any meds), but they complain more if I don't. My legs want to be stretched and walked, but my belly doesn't want to be exposed to the cold or for me to stand too straight without warming ot and being slow with my movements. My head needs me to consume as much varied food as I can tolerate, but my legs won't stand still and upright for long enough to prepare anything with vegetables (so far today has had bread, yogurt, lentil soup, and pasta with cheese). My mind needs sunshine, everything else needs me close to home (I stood in the garden for a few minutes, and there was the short shuffly walk).

Read more... )


Jun. 7th, 2011 08:26 pm
I'm back in another 'I don't think I'm going to get better' phase. Sad, sick, and hurting in my belly. I got the pub to feed me again, and got the frozen-face-thing again, a couple of times, as well as all the noise swirling around me.

I'm just so tired.


Jun. 1st, 2011 01:30 am
I feel very fragile right now. Harrowing conversation with a fellow physicist in terror of the exam tomorrow, and another very emotionally in-depth conversation right after.

And I'm still dealing with the constant low-level nausea and resultant body-woe of the antibiotics.

But now I definitely have to go to the exam tomorrow, however little point there is, because I've got to walk the aforementioned physicist from Vanbrugh to the exam, if he'll leave his room. And that's without bothering the medical people to give me my bloody results beforehand.

At least there'll be larp after?

I just feel so very much like an ill-timed puff of wind could smash me into a million pieces right now.

The Done List )

To Do:

The To Do List )

ETA: I have now eaten soup. (Woah, having food in my stomach feels *weird*)

I have also gotten drunk and ordered shopping from Tesco. They're going to give me bread and vegetables and microwave rice on Wednesday! Also some mince! I shall make bolognaise! ...if I have someone to help stir the pot. Which I should do, because there will be an Alex on Wednesday!
I am officially older as of today. ^_^ This takes me slightly closer to being taken seriously! Maybe. Possibly not. Or possibly the actual number of my age doesn't effect that, just how old and/or wise and/or experienced I appear to others? Hmm. I'm not actually all that experienced, and there is much about life that is perplexing, but I'm working on it.

I am having a bit of a panic about my general lack of being functional and how it's going to effect my course, but given that I don't actually have any contact hours this term, it should be easier to work around? I have been officially instructed by my year tutor to not worry about it, and I find it very easy to not actually think about it.

I'm back in bed now after the tasty brunch, and I have water and paracetamol, so hopefully the headache will fade. I should acknowledge that although Alex's illness isn't hitting me nearly as hard as it hit him, my body is still processing it - rather than taking the standard ableist tack and breaking myself further. Socialness was managed last night mostly due to Joe seeing to it that I got fed and then driving us there and back, and it was good. It was nice seeing so many people happy.
Oh, two yogurts and half a sausage isn't actually enough food for a day, is it?

And yet... downstairs. Moving.
So. I'm anaemic, menstruating, starting to get ill with the thing that had Alex laid up for nearly a week (it's worth it for all the happy smiles I recieved when visiting him, though), but I don't feel bad. I've just failed a module, but I'm fairly confident they'll let me resit when my brain is in working order. Both of my plans for seeing people and recieving hugs failed yesterday, but now that the lurgy has asserted itself I can see that that was possibly a good thing, because I don't want to pass it on.

This content attitude might have something to do with the large pot of tea steaming downstairs. Hot + sugar -> sore throat feeling about half as swollen as it has been all night and morning (seriously, I shone a torch down my throat, yuck).

In fact, the only 'oh, dear...' things I'm actually bothered about at the moment are the horde of little flies that have taken up residence in our kitchen due to my housemate letting another bag of potatoes rot at the back of our shared cupboard (there's a reason I keep mine at the front where I can keep and eye on then, and only dry things like rice and pasta and flour at the back), the fact that I probably shouldn't go out boozing tonight (I could get a return on the 10(P) and not stay too long, just have non-alcoholic cocktails, and remember not to snog anyone?) even if I do feel up to it by then, and the fact that my doctor wrote a perscription for something that costs £2.50 over-the-counter. The last one is just an annoyance, the middle is a dissapointment, and for the first one I've built a barricade of rice, dried chickpeas and cake mix to prevent the little flies from crossing over into my side of the cupboard until hers has been properly cleaned out - at least since one of them found its way into an ill-sealed bag of brown rice and needed help escaping.
I walked up the the shops like an old lady, bought my eggs and milk and orange juice, then went into the pharmacy on my way to the butchers and they said that they'd pick up the perscription for me, and then the butchers had gluten-free sausages! So I got some of them as well as bacon, and also a conversation about another patron's sister and the horrible loosing-weight thing.

And now I am home and there can be food. Or at least orange juice, because food requires cooking requires staying stood up for a while at a time.
...some days are 'eat before you do things' days, and other are 'do a Thing before you eat' days, and there isn't a hard and fast rule that can be applied to both. *brain esplodes*

Work is not a Thing which has been done. Sleep is too required. And today has to include picking up a perscription, paying the power bill, and obtaining some food to eat today, and I am tired to the point of 'going far from my house would be unwise'. I will go to the corner shop for milk and eggs and orange juice, so that I can have breakfast. Picking up the perscription can be put off, because I still have some left from the old one, even if it's years old and probably not so good, that's what the orange juice is for. I will need to obtain cash from somewhere if I want to continue just using the corner shops (if I was sensible I'd have stopped by Heslington on the way back from larp), and the power company are starting to grumble about that unpaid bill (I should probably set up online banking). The cash machine and post office are near to where the perscription will be, so all these things can be done together? Too wobbly for bike.

This whole 'one day on, one day off' pattern really kinda sucks. I can rest in anticipation of wanting to use the next day, but that still doesn't make the day afterwards any easier, and I'm too damn un-sensible to take it into account when I am having a good day. FFS.
I voted! I mostly did the thing of saying 'yes' to AV, and have no clue about the Hull Road candidates except that the Labour Candidate is a prat. I think. That might have been last year's. So I voted by party, which is probably not nearly as good as voting by candidate, but still makes the prat parties less likely to get in, so.

Also I spent most of the day in bed instead of doing, well, anything. This was less than optimal, but the doctor-wah is still kicking my arse - I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do about it. I spoke to my supervisor (late for the meeting I arranged earlier in the week) about the assignment, and I should be able to get a note from any doctor at the practice based on my probable iron levels. However, the test is on Monday, which is when the deadline is, so...

However, hanging out with James this evening has motivated me somewhat towards not throwing in the towel pre-emptively - which I guess is what picking sleep over life is, really. I'm going to do the 'keep being alive' thing, and the 'try to do this assignment and not fail it entirely' thing, and the 'keep going to larp because that makes me happy and happy -> more spoons*' thing.

(I still can't quite believe that the response to 'I'm so brain-tired that I need entire days of rest to be vaguely functional on the rest of the days' was 'maybe your body just needs the sleep'. ARgh!)

*It's not that I get more spoons from being happy, so much as being an angstbucket costs more. When I'm happy, I get to use more of them for useful things.

A nice day.

May. 2nd, 2011 01:53 pm
I'm looking out of the window out at the sky with very few clouds, and I notice that there is a plane leaving a trail from north to south. Along that trail is a cloud shaped like a dragon, moving in the same direction, as if it's trying to chase and eat the plane.

Yesterday was the first outdoor larp of term! Yay! And more importantly, the first larp session this year in which we had to fight through the spring undergrowth-plosion, which is such that a person lying down in the weeds is invisible unless you're right next to them... And we had a large party containing at least one ninja. Ohhhh...

Though, despite not having taken any alergy meds in half a week (I need to stock up again...), I wasn't fighting hayfever as well. Everything was very green and lovely, but I guess seeing as the grass wasn't getting cut and things have just about gotten to the end of the pollenation season (at least judging by the cherry blossom in Badger Hill, which are no longer dropping blossom everythere), nature isn't in the mood for getting in our eyes or making breathing difficult.

There are lots of birds flying around outside, it's sunny, and we've got some windows open letting the air through the house. It's nice. And I was right to designate this a pyjama day in advance, because I've just had my breakfast after finishing off reading a book in bed earlier. In still tired in my limbs and mind, but I slept solidly from when I put my head down on the pillow to when my meds alarm went off at eleven, and I think this is going to be a good day to rest. I might have another look at my assignment a bit later on, but no rush about anything.

And I've got a plan to have company tomorrow evening as well, so I look forward to that and can be quiet and by myself and make the most of that today, without feeling lonely. There was a weapons practice on Saturday, larp on Sunday, and this socialness on Tuesday (and more larp on Wednesday), and having good company easily about makes it easy to enjoy the quiet as well, rather than fretting about both. I like term-time.
Today there was a flickering light at the front of the lecture room, and by half-way through the revision session my face was numb and I had the full-body tired that made it difficult to keep my pen in my hand. By the end of the first hour I had my head in my hands going 'oh, gods, light and sound (Yvette's voice had a weird reverb effect on somewhere between my ears and brain) but mostly light' and was pressing my eyes before not too long (though I'm not sure how that's supposed to help, really, it just sort of happens) and then one of the nattering undergrads behind me dropped his pen, and tapped me on the shoulder to get me to pick it up for him.

(Am I right in thinking that it's easily percieved that a person with their head in their hands and rocking can generally be guessed to be having some sensation issues and shouldn't be touched? Yeah?)

I had a day! )
I think I may need to rewrite my food rules. Currently, I've got it as a rule that I don't leave the house or do anything strenuous until I've had breakfast - or at least had easily nommable food with me, like an apple and breakfast bar or something. When I had to go far from my house in the morning and would often feel dizzy before I got another chance to eat, this was a good rule, because getting dizzy is bad. It was also a good rule because tbh, I was hungry when I needed to eat.

The past couple of weeks - it's been a bit of a creep, but has become more and more apparent - this rule has meant that I've sat in my pyjamas reading the internet and maybe drinking tea until I felt hungry, and then my day would start. This is extremely inefficent, time-wise, especially as later in the day/evening I'm a lot lazier and time seems to go faster. So, I'm going to trial a model of the day in which I set an alarm and Do Something at/close to home before breakfast/after just a yogurt or something - going to the shop, washing my hair, maybe even going for a walk or something that's almost-exercise-but-not-quite. (I have a set of light wrist/ankle weights - trying to start being stronger would make me hungry, right?)

And now it's occurring to me that on University days last term I'd eat something to fulfil the 'rule' before leaving the house (like a yogurt or half-bowl of cereal or some fruit), and then have a 'proper' fried breakfast later on at Roger Kirk - more like a brunch, really - after doing a lecture or some problem questions. So, my current way of organising is just substituting 'more sleep' or 'internet' for 'actually doing some work'. I was finding, in the later part of last term, that I was finding the days I woke up on campus to be the most productive, especially when I had late lectures, because I had to be out by nine o'clock and frequently only had the 'breakfast' at about half-past ten when Graham or James appeared and I could give them the bits of breakfast special that were made of wheat. That's an hour and a half-ish a day of being productive, so between three and four and a half hours a week of work (or attempted work) which wouldn't have gotten done otherwise.

So, yeah, I'll try that. I kinda wish I'd resolved this earlier in the holiday... One week (and three hours) until my exam...


Apr. 17th, 2011 09:13 pm
Looking at it from a certain way, the last half a week has been productive, because I came out of the end of it roasting parsnips in the oven.

From any other perspective, the fact that that's the only thing I've achieved (aside from tea, MSN, and Being Right On The Internet)... doesn't paint that picture at all.

I'm tired and hungry.


Apr. 14th, 2011 11:29 am
So, I turned on the computer all happy because my binder arrived in the post and I wanted to share the glee. I checked my email first, because I do, and while I was doing that my meds alarm went off and so I did that and realised that as it was eleven o'clock, the receptionists at the health centre wouldn't be on lunch break yet, so I could ring up and make the appointment that I need to have in just-less-than-three-weeks.

I was only on hold for ten minutes, and when they picked up it took me a moment to realise that they had, and then I briefly lost my words. So I did my usual thing that I do when that happens, of chucking the script of keywords out of my brain before my mouth can mangle them too badly - "Need. An. Appointment. Doctor. Griffith. Less-Than-Three-Weeks. Hull Road Surgery?" - and she repeated the name of the doctor and said a date, to which I said 'is that less than three weeks?' and she counted up and said 'yes, just', while I jabbered with 'because the Hull Road surgery it's usually easier to get an earlier appointment...' (after I find my words again I tend to get as much milage out of them as possible) and then she was all '...what? No.' and 'splained to me how I'd called up the University Health Centre, and after she looked up my details, that I was a University student, and so I was supposed to see doctors at the University, not Hull Road...

I was confused at her, because I've always been fine booking appointments at Hull Road through that number - it's the same number, isn't it? (No!) - and I go to the Hull Road surgery because it's across the road from my house... So she harumphed and made the appointment, on the same day that she'd offered me earlier, at Hull Road, and tried to get rid of me as fast as possible despite having said the time in 'ten-to-' format, which is sure-fire way to get me to miss an appointment, so I asked her to wait and repeated it as '-fifty?' while trying to write it down.

You'd think that receptionists at a doctor's surgery would be open to the idea that sometimes, they might have to talk to disabled people - people who can't speak (or hear!) well, who get easily confused, who are slow in writing things down. I guess it's fine when they're old people, but students should be sucking it up and using their super-youth-powers against all types of illness and infirmity, I guess. -_-;;

That, or she really wanted to get an early lunch-break.
That's what the weird mood'll be about. Also the fact that the fireplace is swimming.

I possess frozen chips, also, thanks to the number of times I walked past co-op this week and bought things on the way. This, along woth the fact that there were chicken breasts in my fridge, meant that supper occurred. Yay!

Bed soon, as soon as the oven has cooked down. I slept most of the afternoon, and then there was nice talking on the msn when I was awake again. Tomorrow hopefully there will be socialness - assuming that doing things after breakfast are possible again.


Tamar Joshua Rowe

August 2011

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