Jul. 30th, 2011 08:44 pm
Lolsob: This chronicillnesscat macro.

But today, I did do things!

Up until about half four this afternoon, it looked like there wasn't anything happening today. I'd breakfasted, had a late lunch and read some fanfic (okay, a lot of fanfic). However, this morning I had decided that I wanted baked beans on toast for breakfast, and there were no baked beans.

And so, a quest was decided - I would cycle to Morrisons, along the osbaldwick/fifth av/st. nicolas fields cycle trail (because the detour down the hill to osbaldwick was worth it to not having to cycle along 'real' roads), and buy some damned baked beans. And all those other things which you get from Morrisons but don't need to buy very often, like Rington's tea. And cheap cleaning fluid. And gluten-free frozen pizza. And a small casserole dish, as opposed to the HUGE one that I have and takes a lot to wash. And-

I did it! I got on my bike with my larp backpack, and cycled along in the sun along the cycle path, dodging dogs and small children, until I got to Morrisons to do my shopping.

And then I got distracted by all the hair stuff and makeup in the 'reduced to clear' section. I like 'reduced' makeup - I feel less guilty buying it than full price, and I do like owning things to doll myself up with.

But I did do my shopping, and it fit into my rucksack (except for one bulky light thing, which I slung around the handlebars), and cycling back the bottom of the rusksack was resting on the pannier rack, so didn't feel very heavy (except that it was a significant enough change in mass that F=ma became more relevent than usual, and the front of my shoulders).

And now I am making a one-person amount of beef stroganoff in my new casserole dish! Okay, it'll be a 'hungry one person' amount, but it won't require two people to eat. It will contain beef and all the spices (in the oven already) and there are chopped a parsnip, two carrots, half a green pepper, and three chestnut mushrooms. Also half a brocolli, but that's not going in the main thing - I think I shall boil a few potatoes and steam the brocolli above them. In an hour or so.
Argh, humans wanting to talk to me! Humans! Speaking their human language!

...yes, I'm still knackered.
You know something I really love about Alex?

Whenever I'm in a whirl of 'wah, I have to make a decision about something?!' (which involves panicking, wahhing, and appealing to anything that might look like an authority - if you squint - to make the descision for me) he smiles, listens to me wah about my options, and then shrugs and says something along the lines of 'It's your decision' or 'you're the only one who can decide'.

It's wonderfully freeing.

(Occassionally he'll point out logical inconsistancies and circular arguments when I'm being actually crazy in my wahhing, and I'm glad of that, too.)

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Anyone heard of this person or what they write like? I put my latest LJ post and the speech I wrote for larp last week in, and got the same result for each. I write more like that in the middle of a crazybrain episode, I find... It's a lot simpler otherwise.

Edit: Oh. I looked him up on wikipedia, and apparently he was seriously depressed for most of his life and committed suicide at the age of 46.

Not sure what to think, there...


Jun. 1st, 2011 01:30 am
I feel very fragile right now. Harrowing conversation with a fellow physicist in terror of the exam tomorrow, and another very emotionally in-depth conversation right after.

And I'm still dealing with the constant low-level nausea and resultant body-woe of the antibiotics.

But now I definitely have to go to the exam tomorrow, however little point there is, because I've got to walk the aforementioned physicist from Vanbrugh to the exam, if he'll leave his room. And that's without bothering the medical people to give me my bloody results beforehand.

At least there'll be larp after?

I just feel so very much like an ill-timed puff of wind could smash me into a million pieces right now.

The Done List )

To Do:

The To Do List )

ETA: I have now eaten soup. (Woah, having food in my stomach feels *weird*)

I have also gotten drunk and ordered shopping from Tesco. They're going to give me bread and vegetables and microwave rice on Wednesday! Also some mince! I shall make bolognaise! ...if I have someone to help stir the pot. Which I should do, because there will be an Alex on Wednesday!
I am so, so grateful that the dramaplosion have not demolished anything that can't be repaired. That would be very bad, and entirely made of Do Not Want.

I can stop shaking now? No, I can't, because I also have to email Physics and say that I'm still alive, but work didn't happen and I seem to have an exaggerated sense of consequences at the same time as another part of my brain tries to convince the first part that all concequences are imaginary and that there is only the Now. As you can imagine, those two bits have been fighting a lot recently. Paralysis... >_<

I have tea, but am un-calm. I may need soup, and hugs, and dessert later. Because I am currently* a person that's all about physical feelings, which gets me out of trouble as well as into it. I'm currently getting whalloped with the 'into it' side, and I hope that the lessons I'm learning stick this time.

At least this whole thing has made Alex feel a lot more secure with the open relationship thing? Me being affectionate with other people doesn't reduce how affectionate I am with him, and he knows that for sure now, so he's happy.

*I used to be entirely about staring at walls and rippling water daydreaming and not at all about anything physical, and then I came to Uni and discovered hugs and casual snogging.
There was boozing! I drank too fast too soon and got wobbly legs, and there was drama, but aside from that it was a good night.

And the drama resulted in words being said that reaffirmed to me that trying to be a decent person IS worth it, even if it's difficult to do sometimes, and that I shouldn't give in and let myself become mean and terrible. It wouldn't make anyone happy, let alone myself. Reacting to a fuck-up with 'That was a fuck-up, I shall apologise if appropriate and try to do better (or fail less hard) next time' takes more brainpower and resolve than 'meh' or attempts to absolve oneself of blame or responsibility, but it is worth it.

Everything happens for a reason? It only appears that way in hindsight, of course, because the future always rests on the past, that's just how time works rather than some metaphysical purpose.

But yeah, the hugs and pep-talk following the drama were very very much appreciated, especially given that they came from a perviously untapped source (I've been here four years nearly and am still getting to know people... it's kinda awesome). It meant that the rest of the night could still be enjoyable - a crazy person with noise sensitivities in certain circumstances having fun in (well, just outside of, it really was very loud) a room of noise and humans? Impossible! Next you'll be suggesting that crazy people have thoughts and opinions that are valid just like everyone else and everyone knows that that's just insane.


Also positively, slightly drunken religious discussion made me happy because the assumption of universal (or at least accessible-from-anywhere-in-the-world) deities is bloody everywhere, and it was nice to mention local deities who don't move half-way across the country with you (because they live where they live, yeah?) and not be scoffed at.

So yeah, in general last night was fun, though I lost track of Alex at some point and when I got home my brain was buzzing so I didn't get to sleep for bloody ages.

Dear self,

Mar. 20th, 2011 12:34 am
Being on the internet is not going to calm you down from your random panicking, it's just going to keep you awake. And also then you can't keep compulsively checking your email. No, you aren't going to get any replies at half midnight, because all the sensible people are in bed and probably asleep. Also, no-one cares about your rambling wah! except you and that other guy, and even if they did, what's there to say to that, really? 'Oh no, you have a wah. Poor you. STFU and go to bed.'


Tamar Joshua Rowe

August 2011

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