The house is tidier, but my landlords still won't be happy. It really doesn't help that the water won't be put back on until seven o'clock, maybe, and so actually cleaning things is going to be difficult. Also, I wish I could say that the hoover sucks, but it doesn't even do that. And Hannah filled up the black bin outside with her stuff from moving out and then dumped appliances and such all over the house (we're still finding things), so I'm waiting until Monday morning when that's been taken away to put out the bag from the hoover and the takeaway bag, because else there won't be space.


And someone spilled milk on the floor beside the washing machine mere days after I'd washed it, and didn't clean up after themselves.

Worst part: I don't know whether my identifying the problems between me and a clean, tidy house is practicality or laziness. I know I've been in one of those states of mind for a good few weeks now where everything looks like evidence that I'm a terrible person, and I have backup from my neighbours that my landord sucks, and the legal guidelines are on my side, but I still angst and worry and fast because I don't feel that I'm good enough to take up space.

What I've done will have to be enough - and hope that they disregard the washing up to be done, because now I need to get myself to eat at least one meal today. So far it's been a cup of tea at Alex's (blech, Tetleys), a handful of goji berries, and a couple of gf biscuits. I feel okay blood-sugar-wise (except for the angst and shaking), and I've been productive, but I know that this way lies a non-functional brain. You know, kinda like the one I already have.

Did you know I have exams next week? I'm not sure there's any point in me sitting them, I'm so unprepared and mindless. ...I should probably tell Physics.
I am officially older as of today. ^_^ This takes me slightly closer to being taken seriously! Maybe. Possibly not. Or possibly the actual number of my age doesn't effect that, just how old and/or wise and/or experienced I appear to others? Hmm. I'm not actually all that experienced, and there is much about life that is perplexing, but I'm working on it.

I am having a bit of a panic about my general lack of being functional and how it's going to effect my course, but given that I don't actually have any contact hours this term, it should be easier to work around? I have been officially instructed by my year tutor to not worry about it, and I find it very easy to not actually think about it.

I'm back in bed now after the tasty brunch, and I have water and paracetamol, so hopefully the headache will fade. I should acknowledge that although Alex's illness isn't hitting me nearly as hard as it hit him, my body is still processing it - rather than taking the standard ableist tack and breaking myself further. Socialness was managed last night mostly due to Joe seeing to it that I got fed and then driving us there and back, and it was good. It was nice seeing so many people happy.
Today there was a flickering light at the front of the lecture room, and by half-way through the revision session my face was numb and I had the full-body tired that made it difficult to keep my pen in my hand. By the end of the first hour I had my head in my hands going 'oh, gods, light and sound (Yvette's voice had a weird reverb effect on somewhere between my ears and brain) but mostly light' and was pressing my eyes before not too long (though I'm not sure how that's supposed to help, really, it just sort of happens) and then one of the nattering undergrads behind me dropped his pen, and tapped me on the shoulder to get me to pick it up for him.

(Am I right in thinking that it's easily percieved that a person with their head in their hands and rocking can generally be guessed to be having some sensation issues and shouldn't be touched? Yeah?)

I had a day! )
It's very rare that this happens on purpose. I don't think it's ever happened on purpose, actually. It's a problems class for one of last term's modules, which very few people in the class 'got' (me being one of them, because I was in a crazy-smart phase), and even fewer got in such a way that they could explain to others.

I'll go to my next lecture, because I can do the writing notes and taking stuff in, but I can't deal with the slightly desperate expectant looks from the lecturer hoping that he's not speaking complete gobble-de-gook and wanting some confirmation from the audience that he is in fact speaking Scottish like he thinks he is. I'm going to make some tea, and try to feel less hopeless/stressed/whatever.

I'm not entirely just distressed because of the Dr.s appointment yesterday - it's more that the entire week beforehand I'd been holding myself together until then because I hoped that it would make things better - that after the appointment, I'd have another Thing to do that would hopefully make me a little bit better - even if that thing is 'stop taking the thing which has 'mania' as a side-effect'. I'm just supposed to continue as I was, though, and if the last two weeks is anything to go by, it's going to undo most of the being-functional progress that I've made since going on LOA. And that's a really, really disheartening thought.


Jan. 21st, 2011 09:33 am
I've just missed my first lecture this year - and all because I was too lazy to check the timetable last night. I was fairly sure that, of the four lectures occurring one after another this morning, I was only doing one of them, and that it was the 10:15 or 11:15. It turns out, as I check the internets at 09:20, that it was the 09:15.

If I didn't live twenty-five minutes away from Uni, I would just run, but as it is I'd get there just in time for the lecturer to wrap up the lecture, and seeing as it's in P/X001, there isn't a side/back door that one can use to enter unobtrusively.

I'm really quite pissed off at myself, now. I take the best notes, but I can't do that if I'm not there. Also, I feel slightly that having missed one lecture I will now fail to understand anything at all for the rest of term, which is so not necessarily the case.

*sigh* If I get into Uni for twelve o'clock-ish, then hopefully I can grab someone who doesn't do Atomic Physics and copy up in the hour gap before Molecular Simulation.

I hate missing lectures.
I think Tuesdays are going to be Good, organisation-wise. Today I had a 09:15 which never happened, because the lecturer never showed up, followed by breakfast in the RKC, then a StatMech lecture which was quite awesome, then I walked with James to the costcutter to buy a red pepper and some mayonnaise, and then I went to Hes Post Office to pay the next instalment of the water bill, and then I went home and that was my morning!

Then I mixed the mayonnaise with ketchup to make pink mayonnaise and stirred in the prawns I bought the other day and ate that with crispbreads for my lunch, and then I washed up things and then chopped up things until I had chopped all the things to turn into curry. Except, before I chopped the things, I mixed up half a coconut block with boiling water, because as far as I've been told, that's required for making curry.


1 potato
quarter swede
two carrots
half a red pepper
100g coconut block + 400ml hot water
half a packet of casserole beef
a small brown onion

spices: cumin, coriander, turmeric, paprika, pinch dried chilli flakes

One thing I like about using the slow cooker is that I can be as disorganised as I like - it doesn't matter when things go in the pot. Also I can take a rest while chopping.

Following getting the food cooking, and realising that I didn't really have time for the shower I'd wanted, I sat and painted my nails. I realised when I was half-way to uni that larp is tomorrow and I don't have any remover. Fail. But the painting itself made me happy. So anyway, I went back to Uni, because I had a 17:15 lecture... except, I'd counted wrong, and got to physics at about 1600, where I proceeded to be sociable for a while, which was good.

I'm completely not talking about my mental stuff. How weird. )

And then, at the time when I had a lecture, there was a lecture! Nuclear Physics I, which, from how the 1st lecture was, seems to be really interesting. I might see if I can get a summer project in the Nuclear group - I'll want to do my BSC in Condensed Matter Theory if possible, and I want to get some breadth of projects - I've done one QM modelling in CMT so far, and the BSC project I started but dropped out of was with Irena on Quantum Transport.

I think summer projects are what I have instead of part-time job experience. XD Though, I also have my work experience pre-uni. Need to be all up-to-date and stuff, especially with being a madwoman, else I'll never get employed. And employment is required for disposable income for spending on things like gluten-free bread. (I had a couple of loaves at Steve's house, and I so so miss being able to just MAKE TOAST.)

And then there was the evening, which contained COLD WINTER AIR and a shower so that I have clean hair again, yay, and nomming the curry with some rice and being REALLY FULL from curry, which I made myself did I say, and then internets for like an hour and some until it is Now.

I think sleep should occur soon. Today has been a day full of Doing Things, and tomorrow will also be a Day, that one also being a Day containing LARP, and so more sleep than last night shall be required. Or not-sleep, I guess. Not-sleep tends to work well enough, because it's a bit like sleep.
They've redone my timetable for next term - now it's Monday and Thursday off entirely, and one lecture at 17.15 on Tuesday, which more stuff on Friday and Weds. The placement of the Tuesday lecture is annoying - it means I can't so easily use that day to go anywhere and do stuff (like last week when I ended up leaving the house at 16.15 despite having the whole day to prepare).

There was a party yesterday! Yay! (Om nom hot spiced apple juice)

ETA: Wah - I just organised washing clothes and then spilled biological washing gel down my tights. Yuck. Due to the nature of the thing, however, I hadn't started the wash yet, so could chuck them right in. XD

^ Look, a post about the academia (/work in general) gender gap and an aggrivating factor thereof!

Dear self:

Nov. 9th, 2010 11:43 pm
It's not really 'getting to bed by midnight' if you just mean 'don't look at a clock if it might be past midnight'. It takes you about half an hour to get ready for bed (less today, as I'm already wearing pjamas, and half the struggle is convincing myself to change my clothes), so only getting off the computer past half eleven doesn't really count.

Go and sleep, you silly thing. 09:15 lecturs exist (oh - but I don't have to stay in, because no QM. I should probably bring laptop and do work, still though - far too much distraction at home.


Nov. 8th, 2010 12:11 am
I nearly died, it was awesome. XD Also, I think we may have have irrevocably screwed things up, but I think that that just comes along with being adventurers.

Monstering the first two missions was fun, too - sometimes we were pretty much there to get cut down, but dispersed between that was 'Argh, why are there other people here? What are you, adventurers or something?' followed by roleplay, combat, or both. XD Also I got to remember that I had a spell, say it loudly in front of a player who went 'buh?' at me for it. Hee!

And now I am home, have showered briefly (I'll do my hair tomorrow...) and have hot chocolate. I've submitted my downtime, but I think I may have forgotten a bit. Hmm. People ate my brownies, so yay (it means I get the joy of making them (even if it was using a mix - I hate weighing out ingredients, and I even use the 'reducing' method for butter - tere the scales at the amount I want with the full pack on the top, then remove until the pin points to '0'. This can also be done with digital scales that give -ve numbers.), other people get to eat brownies, and I don't make myself sick eating far too much at once.

I'll think about the downtime thing, but must remember that I have late lectures tomorrow (wah, finish at 18:15...). As well as morning lectures. Note to left: bring in laptop and start the rest of my prob qs. I've kinda resolved to hand in QMII early this week, just because. I've done question 7, but question 3 involves algebra and may be a proof.


Oct. 6th, 2010 12:56 am
Possibly almost-one-in-the-morning is not the best time to do enrollment when you have Stuff That Needs Changing on it?
...and so now two subjects which really don't go together are in one post. Oh well.

First: Merlin fannishness! Possibly includes spoilers for this series (first episode, at least)? )

The other thing, is that my application to do my final year over two years has been approved! I get to do Uni part time!

ETA: Modules are Quantum Mechanics II, Thermodynamics, and Mathematical Physics this term, as well as Skills.

Also! A Third Thing! There is NaNo soon. I have reactivated my account, but don't know whether I'm going to do it. (I might do the x-amount-of-time-writing rather than x-many-words - given that time is a Thing which I need to learn to use better.)


May. 26th, 2010 12:03 pm
The first time I've been sad about the fact that I'm not going to graduate with my year. Moira's just sent out an email about scheduling group photos. :-(

I guess I should be graduating with James' or Mike's year instead, though, so it's not all bad. I mean, as long as I get back in to uni, I should finish, even if I finish crap-ly.

Organising the next few weeks/end of 'term' for me )

I dislike the thing of, for student lets, going from 1st July to 1st of July. When there was a group of eight of us throwing our weight around, we could go 'no, we want August to August, thanks'. Yes, it's good to be able to move straight from Uni accomodation to off-campus with some overlap, but so often at the end of the let people are trying to move during term-time, which is no good. At least with a gap between lets you can stuff your stuff into storage, but if you don't have anywhere to sleep during term time, and you're in one of those subjects (like Chemistry, say) that have exams in week 10...

I guess that's part of the reason that you can rent university accomodation for a week or so during exams, or running over the end of term. By the summer term that'll generally have had more people drop out than have been replaced by waiting lists, too.


Feb. 25th, 2010 07:01 pm
My LOA request got approved! I'll be restarting my third year of Physics in October, and hopefully shall be healthy, or at least healthy enough or functioning enough that I'll be able to manage and finish the course. Officiality!

Also, following this, I managed to have a phone conversation with my parents that didn't end in/start with/contain them lecturing me.

It got dark again. Must it do that every night?
Seriously, is the department going to email me about this LOA thing at all, or are they just going to keep telling me about timetabling changes and how we're all going to be graduating this summer? Cuz, you know, whatever happens, I'm not graduating in 2010. I can't even arrange housing properly (have missed all deadlines, can't confirm anything for the uni anyway!) until this is sorted!

Maybe I should just give up.
It's really hard to not worry about what happens when no one replies to your emails which you sent to ask what's going on.
Going to Steve's to be looked after. Won't be at LARP. You're all great, but I need to be with family-like people. Need to rearrange stuff for the new year.


Dec. 9th, 2009 03:23 pm
So, I had the meeting with people. Um.


Nov. 13th, 2009 04:46 pm
I found an MSc in Quantum Technologies. I'd been under the impression that there were no MScs to do with Quantum (the Physics fashon seems to be Nuclear Power atm, which is annoying), and I've found one! There was a poster-advert about it next to the third-year pidgeon-holes, so I copied down everything about it. ^_^

They want a 2:1 in a revelvant undergrad, but hopefully the 'relevant' will be more important than the '2:1'. I don't want to hang all my hopes on getting a 2:1, though I'd like one and think I'll manage, because if I do I will DIE FROM STRESS. My BSc project is a computational project about spin chains and quantum information. I did a summer project on quantum transport. That's got to count towards me, right?

And the best bit? It's in Leeds! Close to here! That means I can still LARP! (Because that's the important thing? O_o) It's also a direct bus to Durham from Leeds, too, rather than 'change at x', so it'll be cheaper to get to Steve's on a whim (inter-city bus Leeds-Durham, local bus Durham-Consett).


So. Leeds.

Oct. 14th, 2009 08:27 am
Wendy House is occurring on Saturday. We are intending to go to Wendy House on Saturday. It is the birthday of [ profile] beast_the_yeti at some point in the vicinity, and also term will have started without getting started, so it's good for the workload.

I've google-maps'd Leeds Station to University of Leeds Student's Union, and it seems to be a fair way. I remember last time I was there (for World of Physics) and we took so many wrong turns (apparently some of the signs had actually been spun; I didn't think that really happened) and ended up taking the free bus back. Apparently the free bus stops running at about half seven, though, so that's no good for this time. Hmm. We'll manage.

Who is coming too?


Tamar Joshua Rowe

August 2011

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