The house is tidier, but my landlords still won't be happy. It really doesn't help that the water won't be put back on until seven o'clock, maybe, and so actually cleaning things is going to be difficult. Also, I wish I could say that the hoover sucks, but it doesn't even do that. And Hannah filled up the black bin outside with her stuff from moving out and then dumped appliances and such all over the house (we're still finding things), so I'm waiting until Monday morning when that's been taken away to put out the bag from the hoover and the takeaway bag, because else there won't be space.

Argh.

And someone spilled milk on the floor beside the washing machine mere days after I'd washed it, and didn't clean up after themselves.

Worst part: I don't know whether my identifying the problems between me and a clean, tidy house is practicality or laziness. I know I've been in one of those states of mind for a good few weeks now where everything looks like evidence that I'm a terrible person, and I have backup from my neighbours that my landord sucks, and the legal guidelines are on my side, but I still angst and worry and fast because I don't feel that I'm good enough to take up space.

What I've done will have to be enough - and hope that they disregard the washing up to be done, because now I need to get myself to eat at least one meal today. So far it's been a cup of tea at Alex's (blech, Tetleys), a handful of goji berries, and a couple of gf biscuits. I feel okay blood-sugar-wise (except for the angst and shaking), and I've been productive, but I know that this way lies a non-functional brain. You know, kinda like the one I already have.

Did you know I have exams next week? I'm not sure there's any point in me sitting them, I'm so unprepared and mindless. ...I should probably tell Physics.
Done:

The Done List )

To Do:

The To Do List )

ETA: I have now eaten soup. (Woah, having food in my stomach feels *weird*)

I have also gotten drunk and ordered shopping from Tesco. They're going to give me bread and vegetables and microwave rice on Wednesday! Also some mince! I shall make bolognaise! ...if I have someone to help stir the pot. Which I should do, because there will be an Alex on Wednesday!
I am so, so grateful that the dramaplosion have not demolished anything that can't be repaired. That would be very bad, and entirely made of Do Not Want.

I can stop shaking now? No, I can't, because I also have to email Physics and say that I'm still alive, but work didn't happen and I seem to have an exaggerated sense of consequences at the same time as another part of my brain tries to convince the first part that all concequences are imaginary and that there is only the Now. As you can imagine, those two bits have been fighting a lot recently. Paralysis... >_<

I have tea, but am un-calm. I may need soup, and hugs, and dessert later. Because I am currently* a person that's all about physical feelings, which gets me out of trouble as well as into it. I'm currently getting whalloped with the 'into it' side, and I hope that the lessons I'm learning stick this time.

At least this whole thing has made Alex feel a lot more secure with the open relationship thing? Me being affectionate with other people doesn't reduce how affectionate I am with him, and he knows that for sure now, so he's happy.





*I used to be entirely about staring at walls and rippling water daydreaming and not at all about anything physical, and then I came to Uni and discovered hugs and casual snogging.
There was boozing! I drank too fast too soon and got wobbly legs, and there was drama, but aside from that it was a good night.

And the drama resulted in words being said that reaffirmed to me that trying to be a decent person IS worth it, even if it's difficult to do sometimes, and that I shouldn't give in and let myself become mean and terrible. It wouldn't make anyone happy, let alone myself. Reacting to a fuck-up with 'That was a fuck-up, I shall apologise if appropriate and try to do better (or fail less hard) next time' takes more brainpower and resolve than 'meh' or attempts to absolve oneself of blame or responsibility, but it is worth it.

Everything happens for a reason? It only appears that way in hindsight, of course, because the future always rests on the past, that's just how time works rather than some metaphysical purpose.

But yeah, the hugs and pep-talk following the drama were very very much appreciated, especially given that they came from a perviously untapped source (I've been here four years nearly and am still getting to know people... it's kinda awesome). It meant that the rest of the night could still be enjoyable - a crazy person with noise sensitivities in certain circumstances having fun in (well, just outside of, it really was very loud) a room of noise and humans? Impossible! Next you'll be suggesting that crazy people have thoughts and opinions that are valid just like everyone else and everyone knows that that's just insane.

[/drama-referencing]

Also positively, slightly drunken religious discussion made me happy because the assumption of universal (or at least accessible-from-anywhere-in-the-world) deities is bloody everywhere, and it was nice to mention local deities who don't move half-way across the country with you (because they live where they live, yeah?) and not be scoffed at.

So yeah, in general last night was fun, though I lost track of Alex at some point and when I got home my brain was buzzing so I didn't get to sleep for bloody ages.
Today there was a flickering light at the front of the lecture room, and by half-way through the revision session my face was numb and I had the full-body tired that made it difficult to keep my pen in my hand. By the end of the first hour I had my head in my hands going 'oh, gods, light and sound (Yvette's voice had a weird reverb effect on somewhere between my ears and brain) but mostly light' and was pressing my eyes before not too long (though I'm not sure how that's supposed to help, really, it just sort of happens) and then one of the nattering undergrads behind me dropped his pen, and tapped me on the shoulder to get me to pick it up for him.

(Am I right in thinking that it's easily percieved that a person with their head in their hands and rocking can generally be guessed to be having some sensation issues and shouldn't be touched? Yeah?)

I had a day! )

Pretending

Apr. 17th, 2011 09:13 pm
Looking at it from a certain way, the last half a week has been productive, because I came out of the end of it roasting parsnips in the oven.

From any other perspective, the fact that that's the only thing I've achieved (aside from tea, MSN, and Being Right On The Internet)... doesn't paint that picture at all.

I'm tired and hungry.
That's what the weird mood'll be about. Also the fact that the fireplace is swimming.

I possess frozen chips, also, thanks to the number of times I walked past co-op this week and bought things on the way. This, along woth the fact that there were chicken breasts in my fridge, meant that supper occurred. Yay!

Bed soon, as soon as the oven has cooked down. I slept most of the afternoon, and then there was nice talking on the msn when I was awake again. Tomorrow hopefully there will be socialness - assuming that doing things after breakfast are possible again.
Do you ever feel that the world is too dusty to even touch?

Takeaway

Mar. 15th, 2011 09:03 pm
I just did the clever thing that one can do with a headache and few spoons for organising oneself (apparently I go by the coloured spoons theory. Hmm.) - order takeaway. The internet contains a menu, my computer contains a notepad, and I can talk to strangers on the phone when I tell myself that they want to take the effort to understand me so that I can give them money, so it's a lot easier than hunting down rice, and boiling water, and picking spices and cooking lentils and frozen veg, and frying some things, and counting minutes, and remembering salt, and such to make curry myself.

Customer mode, it solves so many problems.
It's very rare that this happens on purpose. I don't think it's ever happened on purpose, actually. It's a problems class for one of last term's modules, which very few people in the class 'got' (me being one of them, because I was in a crazy-smart phase), and even fewer got in such a way that they could explain to others.

I'll go to my next lecture, because I can do the writing notes and taking stuff in, but I can't deal with the slightly desperate expectant looks from the lecturer hoping that he's not speaking complete gobble-de-gook and wanting some confirmation from the audience that he is in fact speaking Scottish like he thinks he is. I'm going to make some tea, and try to feel less hopeless/stressed/whatever.

I'm not entirely just distressed because of the Dr.s appointment yesterday - it's more that the entire week beforehand I'd been holding myself together until then because I hoped that it would make things better - that after the appointment, I'd have another Thing to do that would hopefully make me a little bit better - even if that thing is 'stop taking the thing which has 'mania' as a side-effect'. I'm just supposed to continue as I was, though, and if the last two weeks is anything to go by, it's going to undo most of the being-functional progress that I've made since going on LOA. And that's a really, really disheartening thought.
trigger warnings apply )

I've got to go to a lecture now.
Read more... )
I think Tuesdays are going to be Good, organisation-wise. Today I had a 09:15 which never happened, because the lecturer never showed up, followed by breakfast in the RKC, then a StatMech lecture which was quite awesome, then I walked with James to the costcutter to buy a red pepper and some mayonnaise, and then I went to Hes Post Office to pay the next instalment of the water bill, and then I went home and that was my morning!

Then I mixed the mayonnaise with ketchup to make pink mayonnaise and stirred in the prawns I bought the other day and ate that with crispbreads for my lunch, and then I washed up things and then chopped up things until I had chopped all the things to turn into curry. Except, before I chopped the things, I mixed up half a coconut block with boiling water, because as far as I've been told, that's required for making curry.

Ingredients!

1 potato
quarter swede
two carrots
half a red pepper
100g coconut block + 400ml hot water
half a packet of casserole beef
a small brown onion

spices: cumin, coriander, turmeric, paprika, pinch dried chilli flakes

One thing I like about using the slow cooker is that I can be as disorganised as I like - it doesn't matter when things go in the pot. Also I can take a rest while chopping.

Following getting the food cooking, and realising that I didn't really have time for the shower I'd wanted, I sat and painted my nails. I realised when I was half-way to uni that larp is tomorrow and I don't have any remover. Fail. But the painting itself made me happy. So anyway, I went back to Uni, because I had a 17:15 lecture... except, I'd counted wrong, and got to physics at about 1600, where I proceeded to be sociable for a while, which was good.

I'm completely not talking about my mental stuff. How weird. )

And then, at the time when I had a lecture, there was a lecture! Nuclear Physics I, which, from how the 1st lecture was, seems to be really interesting. I might see if I can get a summer project in the Nuclear group - I'll want to do my BSC in Condensed Matter Theory if possible, and I want to get some breadth of projects - I've done one QM modelling in CMT so far, and the BSC project I started but dropped out of was with Irena on Quantum Transport.

I think summer projects are what I have instead of part-time job experience. XD Though, I also have my work experience pre-uni. Need to be all up-to-date and stuff, especially with being a madwoman, else I'll never get employed. And employment is required for disposable income for spending on things like gluten-free bread. (I had a couple of loaves at Steve's house, and I so so miss being able to just MAKE TOAST.)

And then there was the evening, which contained COLD WINTER AIR and a shower so that I have clean hair again, yay, and nomming the curry with some rice and being REALLY FULL from curry, which I made myself did I say, and then internets for like an hour and some until it is Now.

I think sleep should occur soon. Today has been a day full of Doing Things, and tomorrow will also be a Day, that one also being a Day containing LARP, and so more sleep than last night shall be required. Or not-sleep, I guess. Not-sleep tends to work well enough, because it's a bit like sleep.

Hmm

Dec. 17th, 2010 12:12 am
I feel that I may have committed social fail in a number of ways, in the general direction of a number of people who are themselves hurting. Please ignore me. Sorry.


(News-wise: my house is now cold enough that clothes, indoors, will not dry. I hairdryered them for a while and it seemed to help, though.)

I'm not proud of most of this week. I feel quite hopeless.
Keeping Track

The Cult Of "Busy"

"Bad Self" Talk

ETA: Not at FWD: Not Taking Care Of Yourself

And the same place: Abilities and Burnout - some interesting points about 'human does x weirdly when young, can't express why because doesn't have words yet, older humans say words to explain it, younger human accepts these words, younger human only works out that those words were wrong ten, twenty years down the line'.

(I remember, not long before we moved house when I was about seven, that I used to keep getting up and leaving my room after I'd been put to bed. My dad used to say something along the lines of 'ha, she doesn't want to think she's missing anything!' So, naturally, when some other family member asked what I was doing out of bed later on, I parroted back that answer. I don't remember the real reason. Also about that age, I used to parrot my parent's anti-smoking rants at smokers while they were smoking. *facepalm* My parents used to be quite chuffed that I 'obviously' knew what was what. No, I was just good at being told what to think and then believing that I'd thought it.)

Okay. Maybe I'm not as crazy as I seem. Maybe.
Feeling kinda lost and lonely right now. I meant to go into town today, but I caught up on sleep instead, and now haven't eaten any lunch and have a lecture at 16:15. Outside and people feel to be things I'm not sure I can deal with, but at the same time I want a hug. (I think the only solution to that would be if there was a Steve or similar here who was doing something else (reading/playing on the computer/asleep) whom I could hug without having talking.)

I'm still in my pjs, and have very cold legs. I should shower and dress, but then I'd have to move from the little corner behind the living room door that always seems to hide me very well. Also, it seems like the kind of day where, if I actually manage to get the shower, I'll do the thing of just sitting on the bed wrapped in a towel for ages and stare at nothing and just get cold. But I'm cold already, I guess... I also feel that I could cry at any moment, for, like, no reason.

ETA: Shower: done! (And by the number of times I compulsively brushed conditioner through, I am going to have fantastic hair tonight.) Getting dressed: in progress. I reckoned on starting the pasta cooking first. Except, can't cook with no clothes on! Compromise: underwear and a cardigan which covers all the important bits.

Cooking: imcomplete
Attending lecture: if it will be completed, this post won't get updated to reflect.

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Tamar Joshua Rowe

August 2011

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