So, just saw the doctor...

[tj_rowe]

So, apparently I'm supposed to be practising being calmer, and should also think of epic mood swings as just part of who I am, not something that needs fixing, and definitely not a medication side-effect. She told me to be glad that I'm not a boring mouse who doesn't care about anything, and also 'go you, you're really intelligent!'

Never mind that I've been scared of myself for the past two weeks, I should just reflect on the fact that nothing bad has happened in however long I've been ill - of course, the suicide attempt when I was fifteen and the having to keep myself carefully out of my mind (achieved by drowning in music) Friday before last so that I could actually get to Steve's so that he could watch me (while I tried to re-connect myself to myself and the world) don't count, because nothing bad actually happened! Nevermind that 'something bad' very easily could have happened, if I was more inclined to 'doing things' than 'remaining still'.

She doesn't want to label me with anything like bipolar, which means she doesn't want to attempt to treat it - just keep telling me to practise being calm and still and not crazy. Oh, and I'm not allowed to describe myself as crazy, because that implies that it's something that will just get worse and can't be fixed, except it doesn't imply that at all. If this is the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life, then I don't want it! I've had about two good days, total, over the last week - where weds was a half and yesterday was a half and sunday was a mostly entirely.

I'm fairly sure that the extent of these mood swings these last two weeks is because of the medicine, because it's down as a fucking side-effect and I've never been so bad except for that short time when I was fifteen, and yet! I get propelled out of the office with a prescription for more of it. I think I used up all of my assertiveness on larp and the landlord and the water company. She was just... saying things totally counter to my view of my life, and I wasn't sure how to respond. She's going to discuss me with the psych guy.

I've got to go to a lecture now.