Feb. 16th, 2011

It's very rare that this happens on purpose. I don't think it's ever happened on purpose, actually. It's a problems class for one of last term's modules, which very few people in the class 'got' (me being one of them, because I was in a crazy-smart phase), and even fewer got in such a way that they could explain to others.

I'll go to my next lecture, because I can do the writing notes and taking stuff in, but I can't deal with the slightly desperate expectant looks from the lecturer hoping that he's not speaking complete gobble-de-gook and wanting some confirmation from the audience that he is in fact speaking Scottish like he thinks he is. I'm going to make some tea, and try to feel less hopeless/stressed/whatever.

I'm not entirely just distressed because of the Dr.s appointment yesterday - it's more that the entire week beforehand I'd been holding myself together until then because I hoped that it would make things better - that after the appointment, I'd have another Thing to do that would hopefully make me a little bit better - even if that thing is 'stop taking the thing which has 'mania' as a side-effect'. I'm just supposed to continue as I was, though, and if the last two weeks is anything to go by, it's going to undo most of the being-functional progress that I've made since going on LOA. And that's a really, really disheartening thought.

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Tamar Joshua Rowe

August 2011

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