It wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't Chack. I mean, if I wrote dreadful RaiClay smut then no-one is going read it, let alone snort and 'Oi, that tamerterra. Writes smut like a 12 year old fanbrat' or whatever. No-one would care. But Chack...
Not only do many of the writers I like and respect (and I would like to feel the same about me) write Chack, but Chack : Xiaolin Showdown is like Harry Potter : The rest of fandom. If someone reads any amount of fanfic, they've probably seen some HP fic. Likewise, if a person reads XS fic post season two, there's a good chance that they've seen some Chack.
This visibility is not- It's- Instead of just putting down how I want the scene to go, to the best of my ability (which might not be much - I haven't written smut since NaNoWriMo), I'm worrying and worrying, and compulsively editing the last two paragraphs, trying to make them 'good enough'. It's one of the reasons that I call on complete strangers on the Yahoo mailing lists if I ever need a beta, rather than asking my friends - the whole point is to make my terrible writing fit for their eyes.
GAAAH! Not even a playlist consisting mostly of Rammstein and Keane is helping! But Keane always helps when I'm stressed!
I suppose it doesn't help that I'm trying to do a lot of things at once. Some people respond well to pressure like that, and I used to think that I did, too. But I guess it only works for me when it's only ONE thing: at the moment there's this continual thought that I should be doing something else - if I'm writing, I should be learning Maths; if I'm learning Maths, I should be learning the Highway Code; if I'm learning the Highway Code, I could be doing something fun.
Heck, even while I'm writing this, the voice in my head is telling me that I should be watching Mermaid Melody or some other shoujo to put it all out of my head. *groan*
NaNoWriMo was great. Maybe if I made text="FFFFFF" again and kept typing into Wordpad instead of OpenOffice, it would be okay.
*sigh* I wish I was back at school.