Reviewing something that needed betaing.

[tj_rowe]

Guess who got an email asking for a review? Me! A NaNoer on LuLu.com sent an email asking folk to review her newly published book.



--- Theresa Smith <lezfiction@yahoo.com> wrote:

> Dear Fellow Writers,
>
> My name is Terrie Smith and I am writing to you
> because I found each of you have/had an interest in
> fictional stories with characters who are GLBT. I
> have published my 2005 NaNa novel "A Question of
> Innocents".
>
> A Question of Innocents is a coming of age story
> about two teenage girls from opposite sides of the
> river. Fourteen-year-old Sidney is the naive
> daughter of the city Mayor. Fifteen-year-old Lexa
> Marshal witnessed her mother's murder, leaving her
> alone with her abusive alcoholic father. Faced with
> social barriers and secrets from the past, these two
> young women try to find a way to make their newfound
> relationship last. It is a story of romance,
> friendship and self-discovery.
>
> You can read the first chapter of this story for
> free by visiting my storefront and clicking on the
> picture of the cover. This is the first in what is
> currently planned as a four book series.
>
> Please take a few moments and visit
> http://www.lulu.com/lezfiction
>
> I would be grateful if you would also rate the
> story and/or write a brief review of the preview
> offered on the site.
>
> This is my first published novel. I write
> fictional stories featuring lesbian main characters.
>
>
> I thank you for your time and assure you that this
> is the only email you will recieve from me unless
> you contact me and request further contact.
>
> Terrie Smith
>
>


However, after reading her first chapter, here: http://www.lulu.com/content/195070 , I decided to reply with email instead.



I wouldn't say this on your review board, I'm not mean, but did you have a gammar, style or formatting beta? Because if you did, you need a new one.

For one thing, a new person speaking means a paragraph break. If you jumble it all together like in the preview, more complex conversations won't make sense.

Another thing is that you have great description, especially in the dream, but when you have people talking then it all flies out the window. You have some actions, but the looks on the character's faces when they are spoken to, how they react? Nothing.

A one-off nitpick - the past participle of 'to shine' is 'shone' not 'shined'. Whether 'shined' is some peculiarity of American English or not, I wouldn't know, but a better word is 'shone'.

Your use of present tense is intriguing, but sometimes you slip in a past tense verb or two, the odd 'was' out of place (though there are places where 'was' is needed), which can be a little jarring. A beta would help you notice those slip-ups.

Overall, though, I'd say that you have an interesting premise, and if I had any USD virtualised, then I'd be seeing what happened next.


~TamerTerra (Tamar Rowe) <jwoky@yahoo.co.uk>


Really, after the 'if I had any USD virtualised' I should have said 'and these things were fixed.' *mulls it over*

Anyway, what do you think of me? Too harsh? Not constructive enough? Fair?

Comments

[jadebell.livejournal.com]

And I thought *I* was nitpicky. ^_^

Seriously, you do need to be spot on if you're going to be publishing a book. I read the preview chapter, and I found the shifts between present and past tense a bit confusing. I'm not sure whether the paragraphs towards the end became all bunched up because of formatting, but, as you said, there should be a new paragraph every time someone speaks, otherwise the story can get muddled and difficult to follow. I think that although "shone" is the preferred word, "shined" is in use as well. I dunno. It didn't make my Word's spell-checker do any red squiggly lines, anyway. I might have to look that one up in the dictionary.

All in all, though, I think you were reasonably fair.