I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Anyone heard of this person or what they write like? I put my latest LJ post and the speech I wrote for larp last week in, and got the same result for each. I write more like that in the middle of a crazybrain episode, I find... It's a lot simpler otherwise.

Edit: Oh. I looked him up on wikipedia, and apparently he was seriously depressed for most of his life and committed suicide at the age of 46.

Not sure what to think, there...


Jun. 7th, 2011 08:26 pm
I'm back in another 'I don't think I'm going to get better' phase. Sad, sick, and hurting in my belly. I got the pub to feed me again, and got the frozen-face-thing again, a couple of times, as well as all the noise swirling around me.

I'm just so tired.
This is a fairly late post-event post, but I spent more of today eating and sleeping, like, actually. I woke up at eleven, we went out for lunch, at three there was a post-lunch nap (I fell asleep on the sofa, then was herded upstairs.), and then at half six there was picking up kit and more food and more picking up kit.

I did go to CP, and it was possibly one of my best events. I was time-in for all the time-in time (except for a monstering slot and having to hunt down a dagger which I dropped), and on Friday night was up until half-three boozing (this was possibly not appeciated by the rest of the Jhereg and some of the Al Gaia, given the kinky and sometimes explicit nature of some of the conversation that was going on - we were very drunk).

Also I caused a minor diplomatic incident with MY FACE on Saturday night, which was then escalated further by the Lord General of the Al Gaia (he tried to murder me), and then further again by the rest of the Al Gaia. It can now be described as a MAJOR diplomatic incident, and We Don't Like Them Any More. And the two Irregulars (played by Alex and Max) who led a Vampire into their camp the next morning ran there for help, totally not for petty revenge. (The truth is a combination of the two...)

So, yeah, I'll be going to talk to the Teutonians next event (that is, have a bitching session), because their Dark Elves have been attacked by Lord Hart as well.

I also bought things - a new sword (I've had a new sword every couple of years since I started larping) which is a really nice light bastard sword, and a REALLY PRETTY chain shirt for cheaper than you can get some leather. I will try to thwart the kit-curse by NOT wearing the chain on Sunday. (I'll need to get more used to wearing it while larping before missioning in it, anyway.)

Also, I went scouting! I haven't got to go on a scouting mission before (I am slow and easily tired) but this event I was feeling good on Saturday morning (and possessed a soft skill in the 'if you manage to hide, you're fine for as long as you can stay still, even if the Enemy moves their eyes' area, so I knew I could rest without getting killed), so I went along and was helpful! I used the skill to basically lie in a bush and eavesdrop on everything, and was the only member of the party to encounter something without it seeing me, and also the only one to encounter something else that no-one else saw. So, a good introductory scouting mission for me.

I also got a lot of roleplay with people I didn't really know - taking polearm (so I could actually get into fights) and moving the personality slider from quiet/distainful to snarky/distainful helped a lot. Also I introduced myself to the COMA on Sunday, and the Diplomatic Incident meant that a lot of people were coming up to me to talk, and my opinion had more weight. It was a really good event, and I'm really glad that I went.


Jun. 1st, 2011 01:30 am
I feel very fragile right now. Harrowing conversation with a fellow physicist in terror of the exam tomorrow, and another very emotionally in-depth conversation right after.

And I'm still dealing with the constant low-level nausea and resultant body-woe of the antibiotics.

But now I definitely have to go to the exam tomorrow, however little point there is, because I've got to walk the aforementioned physicist from Vanbrugh to the exam, if he'll leave his room. And that's without bothering the medical people to give me my bloody results beforehand.

At least there'll be larp after?

I just feel so very much like an ill-timed puff of wind could smash me into a million pieces right now.
People who are wired to prefer monogamy can be in polyamorous relationships, and people who are wired to prefer polyamory can be in (incidental or contractual)* monogamous relationships. It just requires more work and negotiation than for monogamous people in monogamous relationships or poly people in open relationships.

* Incidental monogamy: the open/closedness of the relationship can take any value, but neither partner happens to have any other partners (at the moment). Contractual monogamy: Both partners have agreed to be monogamous, regardless of their personal inclinations.

This came up after I drank nearly an entire bottle of ginger wine by myself on Saturday night (now I think I know what a hangover is - eight units plus twelve hours, apparently), as there was some confusion over the fact that kisses were on offer when Alex was right there. (I can kiss him whenever I like, and I'm curious to experience other people's kisses in a relaxed social situation.)


There was awesome larp earlier! It's too bad that I'm probably going to be late on Wednesday, because I'm looking forward to it. Bloody exams! Hmm, I'm not sure whether I should be referencing Drow or Gurran Laggan now...
I have had a larpy epiphany. This will result in an essay, because a lot of the stuff it's based on I knew as Morranna and only some of that has been passed on to Nadezda, and also some of it relies on modern chemistry. Or, y'know, at least an understanding of fossil fuels. So I don't know whether I could come to this conclusion IC, because it's REALLY WEIRD.

I may be making Full Metal Alchemist references a bit tomorrow.
The house is tidier, but my landlords still won't be happy. It really doesn't help that the water won't be put back on until seven o'clock, maybe, and so actually cleaning things is going to be difficult. Also, I wish I could say that the hoover sucks, but it doesn't even do that. And Hannah filled up the black bin outside with her stuff from moving out and then dumped appliances and such all over the house (we're still finding things), so I'm waiting until Monday morning when that's been taken away to put out the bag from the hoover and the takeaway bag, because else there won't be space.


And someone spilled milk on the floor beside the washing machine mere days after I'd washed it, and didn't clean up after themselves.

Worst part: I don't know whether my identifying the problems between me and a clean, tidy house is practicality or laziness. I know I've been in one of those states of mind for a good few weeks now where everything looks like evidence that I'm a terrible person, and I have backup from my neighbours that my landord sucks, and the legal guidelines are on my side, but I still angst and worry and fast because I don't feel that I'm good enough to take up space.

What I've done will have to be enough - and hope that they disregard the washing up to be done, because now I need to get myself to eat at least one meal today. So far it's been a cup of tea at Alex's (blech, Tetleys), a handful of goji berries, and a couple of gf biscuits. I feel okay blood-sugar-wise (except for the angst and shaking), and I've been productive, but I know that this way lies a non-functional brain. You know, kinda like the one I already have.

Did you know I have exams next week? I'm not sure there's any point in me sitting them, I'm so unprepared and mindless. ...I should probably tell Physics.
I mean, I don't remember if I've larped in bloke-mode before (I think there were a few times as Morranna on Sundays - I remember declaring at froth 'I play a woman at the weekends! Her name is Morranna.'), but given that my first characters wore trousers and my most recent being in bloke-mode was during the Easter holidays, I'm fairly sure this is the first firmly-in-bloke-mode and knows-about-it time. But yesterday I'd been binding all day and didn't really want to be wearing a dress. Also my sash looked a bit weird falling across a flat chest.

...But it probably helps that Nadezda is quite butch anyway.


Entirely unrelated, argh! at my landlords for telling one tenant about an inspection happening tomorrow night, and for that housemate saying to the landlord that someone had decided not to take her room next year because 'the house was too messy'.

I get that the extenuating circumstances of 'someone just moved out and left a load of stuff behind' and 'the person who owns the most stuff stored in comunnal areas has been rediculously ill' are things that the landlord doesn't care about, and isn't obligated to care about.

But 'the dining room still contains the things that the builders left behind', 'none of us are strong enough to shift the fridge-freezer back against the wall (that the plumber shifted it out from)' and 'the water is currently shut off and we have to work around that' are things that we can't do much about. And either way, they're supposed to notify each of us when they want to inspect, not just tell one housemate or, as they have before, just turn up.

Edited to add: A more likely reason? My housemate is advertising the room as £55 per week inclusive of all bills including internet, and also for 'occupation: any', when this is not the case at all. Bills aren't included and it's students only. I guess it would be if you expect me/Hannah-who-has-left to keep paying all the bills... O_o
Do you ever get the thing where you gain some information that causes an epiphany, you gain some thoughts and such based on the epiphany and then it turns out that the information that led to it was wrong or misguided?

And then afterwards the thoughts and such are still there and effect how you think, and it feels weird that they're still there even though they're based on something incorrect?

It's kinda like FOIP, I guess.

The Done List )

To Do:

The To Do List )

ETA: I have now eaten soup. (Woah, having food in my stomach feels *weird*)

I have also gotten drunk and ordered shopping from Tesco. They're going to give me bread and vegetables and microwave rice on Wednesday! Also some mince! I shall make bolognaise! ...if I have someone to help stir the pot. Which I should do, because there will be an Alex on Wednesday!
I am officially older as of today. ^_^ This takes me slightly closer to being taken seriously! Maybe. Possibly not. Or possibly the actual number of my age doesn't effect that, just how old and/or wise and/or experienced I appear to others? Hmm. I'm not actually all that experienced, and there is much about life that is perplexing, but I'm working on it.

I am having a bit of a panic about my general lack of being functional and how it's going to effect my course, but given that I don't actually have any contact hours this term, it should be easier to work around? I have been officially instructed by my year tutor to not worry about it, and I find it very easy to not actually think about it.

I'm back in bed now after the tasty brunch, and I have water and paracetamol, so hopefully the headache will fade. I should acknowledge that although Alex's illness isn't hitting me nearly as hard as it hit him, my body is still processing it - rather than taking the standard ableist tack and breaking myself further. Socialness was managed last night mostly due to Joe seeing to it that I got fed and then driving us there and back, and it was good. It was nice seeing so many people happy.
Oh, two yogurts and half a sausage isn't actually enough food for a day, is it?

And yet... downstairs. Moving.
I am so, so grateful that the dramaplosion have not demolished anything that can't be repaired. That would be very bad, and entirely made of Do Not Want.

I can stop shaking now? No, I can't, because I also have to email Physics and say that I'm still alive, but work didn't happen and I seem to have an exaggerated sense of consequences at the same time as another part of my brain tries to convince the first part that all concequences are imaginary and that there is only the Now. As you can imagine, those two bits have been fighting a lot recently. Paralysis... >_<

I have tea, but am un-calm. I may need soup, and hugs, and dessert later. Because I am currently* a person that's all about physical feelings, which gets me out of trouble as well as into it. I'm currently getting whalloped with the 'into it' side, and I hope that the lessons I'm learning stick this time.

At least this whole thing has made Alex feel a lot more secure with the open relationship thing? Me being affectionate with other people doesn't reduce how affectionate I am with him, and he knows that for sure now, so he's happy.

*I used to be entirely about staring at walls and rippling water daydreaming and not at all about anything physical, and then I came to Uni and discovered hugs and casual snogging.
There was boozing! I drank too fast too soon and got wobbly legs, and there was drama, but aside from that it was a good night.

And the drama resulted in words being said that reaffirmed to me that trying to be a decent person IS worth it, even if it's difficult to do sometimes, and that I shouldn't give in and let myself become mean and terrible. It wouldn't make anyone happy, let alone myself. Reacting to a fuck-up with 'That was a fuck-up, I shall apologise if appropriate and try to do better (or fail less hard) next time' takes more brainpower and resolve than 'meh' or attempts to absolve oneself of blame or responsibility, but it is worth it.

Everything happens for a reason? It only appears that way in hindsight, of course, because the future always rests on the past, that's just how time works rather than some metaphysical purpose.

But yeah, the hugs and pep-talk following the drama were very very much appreciated, especially given that they came from a perviously untapped source (I've been here four years nearly and am still getting to know people... it's kinda awesome). It meant that the rest of the night could still be enjoyable - a crazy person with noise sensitivities in certain circumstances having fun in (well, just outside of, it really was very loud) a room of noise and humans? Impossible! Next you'll be suggesting that crazy people have thoughts and opinions that are valid just like everyone else and everyone knows that that's just insane.


Also positively, slightly drunken religious discussion made me happy because the assumption of universal (or at least accessible-from-anywhere-in-the-world) deities is bloody everywhere, and it was nice to mention local deities who don't move half-way across the country with you (because they live where they live, yeah?) and not be scoffed at.

So yeah, in general last night was fun, though I lost track of Alex at some point and when I got home my brain was buzzing so I didn't get to sleep for bloody ages.
So. I'm anaemic, menstruating, starting to get ill with the thing that had Alex laid up for nearly a week (it's worth it for all the happy smiles I recieved when visiting him, though), but I don't feel bad. I've just failed a module, but I'm fairly confident they'll let me resit when my brain is in working order. Both of my plans for seeing people and recieving hugs failed yesterday, but now that the lurgy has asserted itself I can see that that was possibly a good thing, because I don't want to pass it on.

This content attitude might have something to do with the large pot of tea steaming downstairs. Hot + sugar -> sore throat feeling about half as swollen as it has been all night and morning (seriously, I shone a torch down my throat, yuck).

In fact, the only 'oh, dear...' things I'm actually bothered about at the moment are the horde of little flies that have taken up residence in our kitchen due to my housemate letting another bag of potatoes rot at the back of our shared cupboard (there's a reason I keep mine at the front where I can keep and eye on then, and only dry things like rice and pasta and flour at the back), the fact that I probably shouldn't go out boozing tonight (I could get a return on the 10(P) and not stay too long, just have non-alcoholic cocktails, and remember not to snog anyone?) even if I do feel up to it by then, and the fact that my doctor wrote a perscription for something that costs £2.50 over-the-counter. The last one is just an annoyance, the middle is a dissapointment, and for the first one I've built a barricade of rice, dried chickpeas and cake mix to prevent the little flies from crossing over into my side of the cupboard until hers has been properly cleaned out - at least since one of them found its way into an ill-sealed bag of brown rice and needed help escaping.
I walked up the the shops like an old lady, bought my eggs and milk and orange juice, then went into the pharmacy on my way to the butchers and they said that they'd pick up the perscription for me, and then the butchers had gluten-free sausages! So I got some of them as well as bacon, and also a conversation about another patron's sister and the horrible loosing-weight thing.

And now I am home and there can be food. Or at least orange juice, because food requires cooking requires staying stood up for a while at a time.
...some days are 'eat before you do things' days, and other are 'do a Thing before you eat' days, and there isn't a hard and fast rule that can be applied to both. *brain esplodes*

Work is not a Thing which has been done. Sleep is too required. And today has to include picking up a perscription, paying the power bill, and obtaining some food to eat today, and I am tired to the point of 'going far from my house would be unwise'. I will go to the corner shop for milk and eggs and orange juice, so that I can have breakfast. Picking up the perscription can be put off, because I still have some left from the old one, even if it's years old and probably not so good, that's what the orange juice is for. I will need to obtain cash from somewhere if I want to continue just using the corner shops (if I was sensible I'd have stopped by Heslington on the way back from larp), and the power company are starting to grumble about that unpaid bill (I should probably set up online banking). The cash machine and post office are near to where the perscription will be, so all these things can be done together? Too wobbly for bike.

This whole 'one day on, one day off' pattern really kinda sucks. I can rest in anticipation of wanting to use the next day, but that still doesn't make the day afterwards any easier, and I'm too damn un-sensible to take it into account when I am having a good day. FFS.
I have discovered a way of thinking that makes doing things to the house a lot more doable - seperating the concepts of 'cleaning', 'tidying' and 'clearing'.

Catagorisation! )

Today I have cleaned the kitchen floor, cleared the living room floor (I had ambitions of cleaning that too, but tea), made tea, and cluttered up the dining room with furniture from the kitchen. Also decided that if I win the lottery today, I'm going to buy that little house in Heslington that I've had my eye on a bit for months now.


May. 11th, 2011 04:03 pm
Apparently (by the fact that they ask 'have you ever...') GUM clinics still assume that sex with bisexual guys = OMG superrisky. I am disappointed with them.

OTOH, yearly checkups for this sort of thing are not as painful and awkward as people would have you believe.


Tamar Joshua Rowe

August 2011

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